How do I build meaningful connections with my children
How do I build meaningful connection with my children?
The concept of childhood has shifted significantly over the past two decades in particular. The generation before my have said the same thing but I truly believe that childhood and the space and role children take up now is greater than it was before. This is also discussed in the section parenting the child right in front of you.
As children have begun to take up more space in society we have started to focus our energy, time and efforts in them having a good time or prioritizing their activities on weekends and holidays. Is the restaurant child friendly? Saturdays are for birthday parties and activities for the children and their sports and their playdates and things that they enjoy.
The pressure to have a fun, often new and sometimes rather expensive activity during holiday times is felt by all. The children need to have done something over the holiday, weekends are about activities that prioritise the child. I am not saying it is right or wrong but I am thinking about the pressure that is put on parents and the expectations of others and the expectation that is shown to the children. I must note that there are lots of families that may not relate to this. It could be that they do not feel the pressure to do this or they do not have the option to bend to the pressure or it is not something they prioritise.
The reason why this is being mentioned here is that when we ask ourselves about what we want for children and what children want from their most important adult the answer, more often than not, is simply connection and shared time.
Children crave time and attention from their parents. When asked who they love to have donner with they will often say parents over anyone else. They seek the activity that gives them the most time – sometimes undivided – with the person they most want to know them. Children need to fill their cup by sharing their random thoughts, ideas, hopes, dreams, fears, mundane ramblings with their person.
To be able to have those meaningful connections when we are filling their schedules with big events or action packed holidays or once in a life time experiences or big expensive outings all the time we may be missing the time they value the most. A parent being present to walk them to school, a parent being present to read the next chapter of the book with them. Being safe and calm at home playing with the toys they asked for and waited for or saved for that there never seems to be time to play.
This could be very city centric or modern convenience centric but we bring our children less and less on the errands we need to run. It is quicker to get it done without them. We can order the item on line. Groceries are delivered, dinners are prepared out of sight and while children are watching television or on screens. There is nothing wrong with any of this! This is the way the world has evolved. All parents/caregivers are time poor, energy poor. There is always so much to do.
Something to think about, the reset that we may all need to remind ourselves of every so often, I recommend you flagging this page for yourself when the pressure feels too much and you have spent another Saturday at some expensive activity that it turns out the children did not enjoy anyway that meaningful connection, time with your children can be built in the simple acts of shared time and space.
I speak often about my mum, a woman that I do not think ever read a parenting advice book the main reason this one exists. Of course we look back at childhood through rose tinted glasses but the time I remember the most with her was being in the back of the car going grocery shopping. Or standing with her in the bank and chatting or sitting in the kitchen as she prepped food and being handed something to chop or wash up. I hold tightly to the memory of the times we sat together for dinner or read stories before bed or tidied out a cupboard.
There is space for all the grand activity, the priority of the birthday party and the individual time with each child but also there must be time and there is higher value to the child in the simple acts, the shared time, the routine, the hanging out with Mum or Dad or Granny.
Sometimes it might be seen as boring, sometimes they may moan about having to wait, sometimes it may not quite hit the spot but sometime they may remember it as their favourite part.
There are three noted connection times for children that fill their cup knowing that they are safe and loved. Those three points in a school aged child is the morning when they wake up, the person who picks them up from nursery or school and when they go to bed. This is not to say that you the parent must be there for every single one of those moments always and forever and that if a nanny/child minder/grandmother etc does a pick up that your child will be scarred but if you can when you can think about these being points of connection and giving them the time and effort when you can and maybe prioritizing them on occasion you will be sure to have opportunity for building safe, simple, invaluable connection with your child.