Talking to your child about loss

It is important to talk to your child about death and not hide the truth, whether this be a family member or a family pet or a friend or teacher. It is important to be honest and open but we need to tailor the amount of information to the child. The amount we share is relative to the child’s level of understanding either as a result of age/maturity or language skills. It is also related to their level of anxiety and fear.

Children can be intrigued by death, at different ages they can become worried about dying themselves or losing a parent/grandparent. Sometimes they have had experience of grandparents passing or being unwell and the concept of death is explored. They may read books, play games, watch television programmes that discuss death. Tom and Jerry is not the best representation of the permanence of death but can be an instigator of a conversation.

The first piece of advice is to allow the conversation to take place and in cases where a death has occurred initiate the conversation. Be honest and tell them enough information for them to understand that death is not random and not always unexpected. Granny passed away/died you know she was unwell and we have been taking care of her for a few weeks/months. ‘Jack died because he had an illness that caused x to happen and he died’ There was a car accident and x happened. Clarify how you feel about the passing, and share that it is ok to feel a wide range of emotions – sad/angry/scared/worried etc.

If it is a family member explain what will happen next – perhaps a funeral and whether they will attend. In explaining this aspect explain to them their role and give them ideas of things they can say to others, if someone sympathise with them give them the language to respond. As adults we struggle to know what to say so make sure your child has been supported in finding the right things to say.

The language around death is really important, talk about what your family’s beliefs are around death, if there are religious beliefs that need to be explained, if your family has one set of beliefs but the beliefs of the person who has passed explain this to them also.

It is really important to have conversation but also expect the child to potentially shut down the conversation because they feel uncomfortable or it worries them or overwhelms them. If this occurs close off the conversation with a few facts and the reassurance that it is ok to stop talking about it but also ok to talk about it at another time. They can ask questions at any time.

If you need to have this conversation with school age children I recommend having the conversation while they are engaged in a table top activity like drawing, making puzzles, arts and crafts, building lego or out on a long walk. It is a much easier conversation when you are not face to face, it takes the intensity out of the conversation and allows the child lots of opportunities to redirect. (

If the child shuts down the conversation stay with them, do not leave, sit with them and continue the activity to completion. It allows them to process and potentially come back to the conversation on their own terms. Think about maybe an earlier bedtime to allow for the just before bed chats that might have more questions than usual)

Be prepared for the questions! Some children want to understand every aspect, why did this happen, how did it happen, will that happen to you or me… Have a think about your answers and use age appropriate explanations. Remember to take in account the child, they do need some information but they are children and do not need to know everything, simple short explanations.

Some children want to help in times of bereavement, if a pet they may want to help plan something, if a relative they can send cards or be given a role at ceremonies, some children will not want to do anything which is also fine. If it is a friend of theirs that is experiencing loss then maybe you can support your child in organizing playdates or activities for that child, something that may distract them and give them a break from the grief if and when that is possible.

Top Tips

Honest explanations

Validate emotions felt by you and the child

Think about where and when you will have the conversation

Language, remember to give the child language to understand and to use.

Short Explanations.

Books

The heart and the Bottle by Oliver Jeffers

The Invisible String Patricia Karst

Michael Rosen’s Sad Book

Further Resources

https://www.childbereavementuk.org/