I am not talking about my feelings

I am not talking about my feelings.

This may have been my favourite greeting this week, as a behavioural consultant my role is more often than not to support children with emotional regulation. I will often have a discussion with a parent, a teaching assistant, a teacher or Senco to suggest support for a child in learning to regulate their emotions.

This was the case for an 8 year old boy who walked into his first session and stated ‘I am not talking about my feelings’ my response - that is ok I don’t really want to talk about your feelings either.

To clarify I do care and want to investigate how I can best support this child who is struggling with proportionate responses and managing his reactions in the classroom but this will not involve a conversation about feelings.

When a child is developing they start to experience feelings, they experience happiness, sadness, frustration and anger and we as the adults around them give them the language to explain the sensation that they are experiencing- some experts would call the language the emotion. Feelings is something we experience, emotion is the vocabulary. As children develop they learn that there is a range to happiness, there is a range to sadness and certainly a range to anger. It is annoying when you can’t get two pieces of the puzzle to fit together it is incredibly frustrating when a siblings breaks an entire puzzle you have spent a long time building. It is lovely to sit at home and have a lovely supper with your mum on a regular Tuesday evening, it is incredibly exciting to receive the toy/present you have been waiting for for weeks.

Not all children or adults for that matter will have the same reactions for the same situations, for some a birthday party is the best and most exciting occasion for others it is overwhelming and nerve racking.

So when an 8 year old boy who has been told to spend some time with an unknown adult in a school environment walks into your room and states ‘I am talking about my feelings’ what is my first step?

Confidently and with a slight competitive edge I challenge him to a game of either Uno, Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza or Top trumps. He said he was really good at Uno but didn’t know how to play the others. So we deal out the cards and start to chat about our best strategies, confirming we play by the same rules , discuss a best of five for overall champion! He is engaged and on task - a win!

Early games I hold back, allow him to play +2 , take my licks, express frustration of not having the right cards, congratulate him on his strategic play, praise the win and acknowledge my own annoyance at the loss and challenge him to a remake. Game two i up the terms, I play back a plus 2 on his, close to him almost winning, praise him on managing his frustration and playing fair! He wins again. Game three i push more, he calls Uno and I play a +4 so close to a win and I say - Stop/pause and give him an opportunity to explore his frustration and how he can react. He takes a breath and digs in and comes back with a real win. Victory never tasted so sweet!

Quick check in on skills we have been great at- gracious winner, staying in when a loss was so close, hearing and acknowledging others frustration! Remember we are not hear to discuss feelings 😉!

A game if Taco Cat Goat Chesse Pizza, slightly simplified version as an introduction, wanting to play fair praises, the concept of winning small bundles really builds up over time, skill practiced again the resilience of sticking in even if we are close to losing and turning it around for the best wins.

So we didn’t need to talk about feelings, we need to feel them! In situ and practice the strategy of managing those feelings, responding proportionally, praised for these socially appropriate responses, safe calm transition back to lessons with a win! Something to talk about with friends and a set of top trumps in our pocket to try out our new emerging skills with a pal during wet play.

Emotional Regulation and proportionate responses possibly but skills to be learned and explored, generalised out of the sessions and a lot more work to be done. He walked away with a win, hope that this might help, no talk about feelings and trust that an adult is there to help him out- maybe a little hope?